MST3K HAIKU

I have a great deal of love for Mystery Science Theater 3000. It's subversive, painful, and ruthless, which makes it not unlike a very good (bad?) pirate. We all instinctively riff on terrible movies; MST3K took it a step further and formalised the art form.

Collected below are a number of haiku to commemorate (and psychologically recover from) various MST3K episodes. May they serve as pleasant reminders, and/or warnings.
(Episode numbers in brackets next to titles)

Angel's Revenge (622)
Vigilante chicks,
Democratic chiquitas,
Blow up all the drug.

The Atomic Brain (518)
Wanted: Fresh young brains,
So firm, so nicely rounded
In places men like.

The Beast of Yucca Flats (621)
The wheels of Progress.
A man runs; they shoot at him.
Hark! Flag on the moon.

The Beatniks (415)
Conservative squares
Croon and swoon and kill barkeeps.
Just shut up, Iris.

Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues (1006)
From fair city-folk
Crenshaw hides a secret, cuz'.
The little creature!

Bloodlust! (607)
No man an island,
But the fey doctor can't beat
Robert Reed's wry gut.

The Brain that Wouldn't Die (513)
Won't you let me die?
Serum keeps Jan in the pan;
Oh yes, there are ways.

Bride of the Monster (423)
Lugosi glowers –
He tampered in God's domain.
Stock footage attacks.

The Castle of Fu-Manchu (323)
Vaguely coherent,
Nayland and Manchu put the
Lighting crew on ice.

Catalina Caper (204)
Aryan beach kids
Triumph over goofy crooks;
Ritchie rocks and scrolls.

Cave Dwellers (301)
Ator l'invincible!
Geometric Nuclei
Get O'Keefe miles high.

Code Name: Diamond Head (608)
Hawaiian action,
As generic as it gets.
Aunt May got cancelled.

Crash of the Moons (417)
All hands on Winky!
Standing by for non-action
As rockets take off.

The Crawling Eye (101)
Lovely Swiss retreat.
Those with a discerning eye
Will just lose their head.

The Creeping Terror (606)
Joe tells the sheriff
That a slow-moving carpet
Is eating townsfolk.

Daddy-O (307)
Pants high, budget low,
Anything goes, Daddy-O,
With thrilling jump-cuts.

The Day the Earth Froze (422)
A brave lemon guy
Gets others to do his work
And breaks the Sampo.

The Dead Talk Back (603)
For good vibrations,
Get Farnese to do his trick
With the razor blade.

Diabolik (1013)
A sweet siren song;
Kalgan gets covered in gold.
Is that Stud coming?

Eegah! (506)
Lumbering caveman
Terrorizes surfer kids,
So watch out for snakes.

Final Justice (1008)
Baker in Malta;
Go ahead on, make his day.
It just sort of ends.

Final Sacrifice (910)
Ziox ascendant.
Our token crosses to find
Rowsdower redeem'd.

Fire Maidens of Outer Space (416)
Nonplussed astronauts
Sit around, watch dancing girls,
And have a quick smoke.

First Spaceship on Venus (211)
Cosmic document,
Sends ship of fools to Venus.
White golf ball turns red.

Fugitive Alien (310)
Ken and Squirrel Man,
Wolf Raiders in sheeps' jumpsuits,
Venting air presser.

Future War (1004)
A Van Damme ripoff
Fights dinosaurs and boxes;
Z'dar knocks shirts off.

Gamera (guest writer: TV's Frank) (302)
"Plan Z in effect"
Stupid kid tells the army
He's a good turtle

Gamera vs. Barugon (304)
Rainbow-shooting dog
Can destroy things with his tongue.
Where is Gamera?

Gamera vs. Guiron (312)
Thank you? Ah! Hello?
Turtle soup goes down like a
Traffic accident.

Gamera vs. Zigra (316)
When Zigra arrives,
We believe in Gamera!
Open wide, say Aaah.

The Giant Spider Invasion (810)
Spiders in geodes
White trash in filthy back brace
The Skipper looks on

Girl in Gold Boots (1002)
Michele feels a Buz.
She wants to be a dancer!
Critter intervenes.

Godzilla vs. Megalon (212)
Behold Jet Jaguar,
Destroyer of rubber suits.
Godzilla tag-team.

The Hellcats (209)
Bikers bike, do drugs,
Then stand around to stretch both
Hagen and the film.

Hercules Against the Moon-Men (410)
Muscled Alan Steel.
Giant rocks come crashing down;
Beware the sandstorm.

Hercules and the Captive Women (412)
Hercules smashes
Atlantean lands; watch him
Fight for Uranus

Hobgoblins (907)
Old man guards poorly,
Hobgoblins inside Club Scum.
Perverts run amok.

Horror of Party Beach (817)
From the gayest beach
To lofty Fingle's Quarry,
Sodium saves us.

I Accuse My Parents (507)
Vodka sandwiches,
Solid mid-western values;
Gee, that would be swell!

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies (812)
Incredibly strange
Creatures stopped living and made
A mixed-up movie.

Invasion of the Neptune Men (819)
Coneheads from Neptune;
Funny-voiced kids run in packs;
Space Chef saves the day.

Invasion U.S.A. (602)
Weirdo hypnotist
Gets a bunch of drunk losers
Scared of stock footage.

It Conquered the World (311)
It learnt too late that
Man is a feeling creature --
Poor little pickle.

Jack Frost (813)
The Russo-Finnish
Ate too many mushrooms and
Sat on a shovel.

Kitten with a Whip (615)
Old fool and young babe
Cool down, coexist; their friend's
Dying in a rush

Laserblast (706)
Large-ass dinosaurs
Drop a toy in the desert;
Stupid dork finds it.

Last of the Wild Horses (611)
Old-West Remedy:
Mumble, date two women, and
Buy mail-order brides.

"Manos" The Hands of Fate (424)
Hal Warren unleashed.
The master would not approve;
Torgo needs a hand.

The Magic Sword (411)
Young dork fights through the
Seven curses of Lodac,
With help from his mom.

Master Ninja I (322)
Old man Cleef and friend
Aimlessly try to do good.
End up bad, ugly.

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1003)
Merlin and Borgnine!
A book and a monkey lost –
Rock 'n Roll Martian.

Mighty Jack (314)
Hot ice meets bank turns.
Some random scenes go awry.
Oh, pigeon yourself.

Mitchell (512)
Chubby detective
Loves making old coke mules walk.
I said buzz off kid!

Monster A-Go-Go (421)
Spaceman and budget
Disappear; and there's no sign
Of the a-go-go.

Operation Double 007 (508)
Young Neil Connery
Fights Thunderball in a tarp,
And then it gets weird.

Outlaw (519)
Sand-filled fantasy –
Budget blown on body grease,
Jack Palance's hat.

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (822)
Apollonia:
“You make me tingle, Fingal.”
Fatman interfaced.

Parts: The Clonus Horror (811)
“The Island's” makers
Go back in time, start crotch fires,
Drinking Milwaukee.

Phantom Planet (902)
Fried-chicken planet.
I grow more and more convinced:
Gravity waves suck.

Pod People (303)
"You'll grow up real strong!”
Trumpy can do stupid things,
But you're still a jerk.

Prince of Space (816)
Boot-blacking hero
Attracts Krankor's X-Radar.
Lasers can't hurt him.

Puma Man (903)
Flying space Aztecs
Keep Donald Pleasance from his
Small elevator

The Rebel Set (419)
Drab and depressing,
This heist goes nowhere, with a
Stop in Chicago.

Red Zone Cuba (619)
Coleman Francis in:
Poorly-funded invasion.
I'm Cherokee Jack!

Robot Monster (107)
A bil'ion bubbles
Float and burst like the dreams of
Ro-man the ape-man.

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (102)
Two-minute rumble.
The actors seem as lifeless
As the headliners.

Samson vs. the Vampire Women (624)
Where vampires repose,
El Santo will be there to
Wrestle and burn them.

Santa Claus (521)
Santa fights Satan.
An Orwellian battle
Of class against class.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (321)
Jolly old Droppo,
The laziest man on Mars --
Santy Claus redux.

Secret Agent Super Dragon (504)
Super-smooth agent
Foils a Dutch bubblegum plot
Stealing cigarettes.

The Sidehackers (202)
Rommel hates J.C.,
Sidehacking is found lacking,
But love pads the film.

The Sinister Urge (613)
A wooden plotline
With wooden actors and sets
Fulfil Ed Wood's urge.

The Skydivers (609)
Acid in the chute.
Coleman Francis on a plane.
Lovers fall, hope soars.

Soultaker (1001)
Hospital entrance.
Heaven in a boiler room.
Our souls will shine on.

Space Mutiny (820)
Southern Sun turmoil.
Kalgan watches as Ryder
Gets a railing kill.

Star Force: Fugitive Alien 2 (318)
Ken is back at it:
A heat stroke-induced tribute
To substitute moms.

Swamp Diamonds (503)
Curvaceous ladies
Mud-wrestle in their short shorts.
Oh...and there's diamonds.

Teen-Age Strangler (514)
Town full of whiners
Mildly terrorized by a
Strangler in Yipe Stripes.

Teenage Caveman (315)
The Word of the Law:
Vaughn in a loincloth wins out
Against stock footage.

Teenage Crime Wave (522)
Girly shower scene
Cut short by Bible studies;
Then it gets preachy.

Terror from the Year 5000 (807)
In a dark basement
They relentlessly probe a
Lady in sequins.

Time Chasers (821)
Wanna fly? Let's fly!
A butt chin in the future;
A spirograph past.

The Thing that Couldn't Die (805)
Ditzy girl and friends
Dig up an evil old head,
Not much of a threat.

The Touch of Satan (908)
A walnut a day
Helps keep Satan's touch at bay,
In between pauses.

Track of the Moon Beast (1007)
Corn, chicken, onions
Feed a shirtless dinosaur.
A moon-rock? Oh, wow!

Viking Women and the Sea Serpent (317)
Roger Corman has
A strange notion of Viking myth:
It's mostly walking.

Werewolf (904)
Tony Zarindast
A god-damn wurrwilf is film.
Hair, accents are swapped.

Wild Rebels (207)
Worst. Bikers. Ever.
A Citrusville heist gone dumb,
Just for kicks, baby.

The Wild World of Batwoman (515)
Professor Neon.
Rat Fink. Dancing Girls. And soup.
I hate this movie.

Women of the Prehistoric Planet (104)
Cosmos Three crashes.
Some low-budget things happen,
'Ere Tang rules the world.

Zombie Nightmare (604)
Ste.-Anne-de-Vellevue:
Come for Adam West, but stay
For the Twist 'n Crème.